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Rick Concoff, M.A.

 

If All Else Has Failed–Initiative Points—Positive Discipline… It Works!

 

Are you tired of scolding, punishing, yelling and threatening?  Have you figured out that it doesn’t generally work anyway?  Although it may temporarily stop the behavior, giving you the illusion of a “parent victory”, since it deals with only the behavior or action, it works to temporarily halt the behavior by force, guilt, shame and power.  This tactic can cause resentment, which can cause the child to be more “secretive and clandestine” next time.  In any case, it does not deal with the underlying cause of the behavior any more than 3 Ibuprophen deals the arthritis that is causing the pain.  It suppresses delays, postpones and masks.  In a way, we are actually “rewarding” the bad behavior with a negative stream of attention, emotion and passion; the very things the child actually seeks.  A behavior cannot continue without its desired result.  And guess what?  You are giving the desired result, albeit in a negative fashion.

 

That being said, do we just give up and let them have their way?  NO!!!!!!!  We flip into “positive” gear.  The whole thing around gets switched around.

 

• Before you meet with your child, it is a good idea for parents to designate a list of behaviors to be worked on.  Identify the behaviors, family patterns, and what the child gets from each behavior.  Next, select one or two to prioritize, with a plan to implement the others as the original behaviors shift to positive habits.

 

• If your child is VERY challenging, you may wish to work through this with an experienced friend, family member or therapist.  One of the best reference books on this topic is The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan E. Kazdin, Ph.D.

 

• In a peaceful, non-confrontational way, sit down with your child and objectively outline the undesirable behaviors that come up from time to time, and the positive behaviors we want to replace them.  Write them down.

 

• Be clear to ask yourself what your child’s “currency” is. (Refer to articles: http://www.rickconcoff.com/2011/07/discipline—can-only-come-from-anger-control-or-love/-

 

• Once you have identified your child’s currency (money, treats, excursions, tennis lessons, guitar lessons, or whatever), decide on a point system.

 

• Put the list on the refrigerator, and use a calendar or other chart for recording points, as well as the reward options. 

 

• Remember to notice the desired behaviors more then those you are working to extinguish.

 

Let’s say the behavior is swearing.  Establish that for every day the child does not swear, he or she gets “x” amount of “initiative points.”  These can be actual points that add to something good or quarters in a jar.  What ever it is, it is dependent on an “honor agreement” which means that your child shakes hands with you on a agreement that he/she will be truthful, which means “I affirm that I did not swear today in your presence or behind your back.” The consequence of being untruthful is that indeed, the child is left with the knowledge that he/she lied and risks losing something more valuable than “initiative points”.  He/she would then lose your trust, until it is regained.  It is okay to say to a child, “I will always love you, nothing you could ever, ever change that. However, right now, I do not trust you.”  This is a good one to pull out, just fill in and change the blanks.

 

When the two kids were little, we eliminated much bickering by establishing good behavior points which would get ice cream on Wednesday nights (dollar a scoop night).  After the first week of realizing that they didn’t get to go that week, it worked like a charm to eliminate much negativity in our home. 

 

Initiative points cannot be taken away!!!!!!!!  You can refrain from giving more until more are rightfully learned.  Don’t put a negative spin on positive reinforcement.  It does not work!  Also, initiative points are never given for chores, duties, obligations, pet care, etc. (Unless they are not “their” chores.)  See “Chores” article.

 

In addition, initiative points can also be used for “random acts of good deeds or accomplishment”.  Some examples are:

 

• Cleaning a pet cage (if not a chore)
• Doing someone else’s chore if other person is sick or away
• Cleaning out the trash can
• Sweeping the deck
• Cleaning the bathroom (if not a chore)
• Doing homework without being reminded, if this is an issue.  Note:  Points are not given for doing the assignment, which is your child’s job.  Points are given for initiating getting it done, which for the child has been difficult.
• Resolving conflicts peacefully and not violently
• Disengaging from a potential fight or altercation with a sibling
• Telling a difficult truth, which may have a disciplinary consequence, but nonetheless is a good intentional, mindful gesture.

 

Areas which would NOT be given points are:

 

• Favors or gifts of appreciation for you such as breakfast in bed, a washed car, etc.  These are gifts of love and should have no reward other than gratitude and appreciation.  Breakfast in a bed, with a reward or a material consequence is paramount to “manipulation or bribery”, not an activity we want to encourage.

 

• Already assigned tasks, chores (and every child needs to have a regular chore list, as they are a part of the family).  It is different if these are agreed upon “paid jobs” or “chores”.

 

• Writing thank you notes, “calling grandma”, etc.  Those are also acts of unconditional giving and love. 

 

• Apologies…  Apologies must come from a deep place and serve their own purpose.  These acts encourage “negotiating, bargaining, arguing”.  Rarely is it productive or does it give the desired result to participate in these activities. Rather it falsely empowers the child in a detrimental way.

 

Initiative points, when given, cashed in and enjoyed can inspire positive behavioral change, character improvement, and true growth.  They can work in all arenas, school, home, sports, etc.

 

It is yours to custom design your own “Initiative Points” system.  There are countless creative ways to do it, which you know because you know and love your child.  Just be clear, consistent and fair!

 

Rick Concoff, M.A. copyright 2011